I won’t sugar coat this when I say that even after 20 years of sobriety I still find myself struggling through life from time to time. Although my worst day sober is way better than my best day as a drunk, the trials of life sometimes get grab hold of me and I feel myself spinning. When this happens, I become paranoid, as in ‘everyone is out to do something wrong to me,’ or ‘the more I try the less I succeed.’ It’s hard to notice when I am in this frame of mind, even for me. Having a bad day is often times just having a bad day, but when a bad day stretches into a bad week, then two and I’m not able to focus on my day to day activities, like work or relationships, then I need to just stop whatever it is I’m doing and try to take in the truth.
What do I know to be true?
Not much. I know who I am. I know I want to stay sober. I know I want to stay sane. I know that no matter how hard I try to get rid of my character defects, I will continue to have them throughout my life. I will be insecure at times. I will feel financial ruin around the corner at times. I will feel fat. I will feel out of shape. I will feel unattractive. I will feel bad for no reason at all. BUT, and this is a mighty big BUT, I don’t have to act on any of my character defects.
What I need to do when my character defects are taking over, monopolizing my mind, is to let them ride for just a bit and don’t act out in anyway. I need to acknowledge they are what they are and move through them.
Oftentimes this is easier said than done. However, being diligent in my program and being around other sober people helps me. It’s not a perfect plan, but I am far from perfect and I am more okay with that than ever before.